| Kill a rat .... And 100 other things to do this year
||[Jan. 1st, 2004|01:12 pm]
1 Divest yourself of everything that, as it turned out, really was just for Christmas: tree, gym membership voucher, fondness for mulled wine, new party shirt, large sack of hazelnuts, carols CD, goodwill towards men, paper hat. Remember that pets are not just for Christmas, unless they are sea monkeys.
2 Revise enemies list. Consider making up with any foes you have failed to vanquish thus far.
3 Repent. Every year has its own end-of-the-world predictions. A group called the Watcher Ministries has pegged 2004 as the year of the second coming, using complex calculations based on measurements of the Pyramid at Giza. Another apocalyptic number-cruncher named Clay Cantrell is more specific, setting October 17 as the start date for the Rapture. Australian doomsday prophet William Kamm, whose followers call him the Little Pebble, predicts the end of the world as we know it for Easter Sunday. In The Bible Code II: The Countdown, Michael Drosnin plumps for a June nuclear attack on New York City, touching off the third world war and hastening the end-time. One to keep your eye on.
4 Think about everything you failed to do in 2003. At the very least it will stop you focusing on all things you are failing to do in 2004.
5 Make new year's resolutions for 2005. Experience the profound satisfaction of delayed self-restraint.
6 Keep your head down. In August a large comet will brush northern France, raining debris on the Earth before exploding over the Aegean. At least that's what Nostradamus is predicting for 2004. Of course his lunatic quatrains have always been open to a certain amount of interpretation, but this is the central thesis of Comet of Nostradamus: August 2004: Impact!, a book which, it is widely predicted, will disappear off the face of the earth on September 1.
7 Scan the skies. We are expecting our closest encounter with an asteroid in the next 50 years on September 29, when the mysterious, turd-shaped Toutatis, or Asteroid 4179, swings by. Before you start wondering whether this is what Nostradamus had in mind, you should know that "close" in this context means four times the distance from the Earth to the moon.
8 Chuck out all your old opinions. It doesn't hurt to start afresh every once in a while. For the first few weeks of the year, your only contribution to any conversation should be the word "huh". Eventually you will form brand new opinions based on the abject stupidity of other people's opinions.
9 Get a PhD. The internet is full of diploma mills offering degrees in just about anything. Before the advent of top-up fees, £500 for a fake doctorate from the University of Royston Vasey might have seemed expensive, but suddenly it sounds jolly reasonable. One day we will all have them.
10 Erase your entire hard drive. Chances are this will happen at some point in the year anyway; this way you can make it feel like a liberating exercise instead of a terrifying crisis.
( there are 90 moreCollapse )